Thoughts on Mother's Day

Since it's Mother's Day I just wanted to post a few brief thoughts...some things that have been on my heart recently as God has been working in me. Many of you know that for the past few months I have been going through some testing related to what seems to be a heart condition that developed when I was pregnant with Sophie. I didn't know about it at the time, but have been diagnosed with what's called peripartum cardiomyopathy. Anyway, to make a long and ongoing story short, I've seen a series of doctors and am now seeing a heart failure specialist to determine the current condition of my heart and to receive advice on whether or not another pregnancy is a good idea considering the risk involved. I go back in June for an echo and to discuss things further, but in our most recent consultation the doctor seemed extremely hesitant about subsequent pregnancies, at least for the time being.

Now obviously this is hard for Erik and me to understand. I think both of us had this immediate, internal reaction that we had done things right and we wanted children from day 1 and wanted to raise them in a God-centered home and why on earth would God not want that for us? In the past few weeks I have prayed a lot that God would give me wisdom and understanding, but most importantly that He would help me to TRUST Him, because the truth is that I may never know exactly why this is His will for our lives, but I know for sure that He is sovereign and that His ways are best.

I just want to ask why God wouldn't want us to have another child right now, or maybe ever. And it keeps hitting me like a ton of bricks that I'm asking the wrong question. My question should be, "Why, God, did You ever allow me to have one child? Why, in Your amazing grace, do You allow me to know You and to benefit so richly from the substitutionary death of Your Son? Why am I alive and breathing today at all?" It's that age-old question of why bad things happen to good people, but the real question is, how can anything good happen to such a wretched sinner as I?

In addition to re-teaching me this lesson, God has made me aware of maybe just a touch of the sorrow and pain that so many of my friends and loved ones have experienced or are currently experiencing in their efforts to become mothers. I know that in many ways I haven't experienced what you all have gone through or are going through, but I do feel like I have a tiny new window into how hard it must be, and especially on a day like Mother's Day. So obviously I don't have answers to all the questions, but I just wanted you to know that you're on my heart today and as I'm writing this I'm praying for comfort and wisdom and, like the song says, "Oh for grace to trust Him more." I love you all so much!